Been sick the past two weeks. Battling way too much stress; mentally and physically wrestling with fear. Fear of being sick and all kinds of stuff. Everyone may be afraid of something. Especially if we’ve ever been blessed with nurturing love.
People who feel threatened might not have sense to know how to react.
Three years ago, I picked up the phone and listened to a conversation between my daughter and her baby daddy. She was pregnant. Both talking at once, venting their emotions. I listened to him say, “If I was there right now, I’d punch that baby right out of your belly.” He gave her drugs, knocked her up, and repeated the pattern elsewhere.
Infidelity disturbed my daughter. She jumped out of a moving vehicle as I turned onto our rural route home. Didn’t get hurt, thankfully. It was very close to her labor and delivery date. She called her dad, mad because I said if it was up to me, this wicked man would never see this baby. Can’t imagine why anyone would refuse to understand why. Damn it!
Here’s what can go wrong when folks give advice. Particularly advising a loved one, I would hope my worst enemy to never go through some destructive advice I chose to follow. Seemed like the right thing to do. Life ain’t no damn soap opera. As a mom, I tried warnings. That didn’t work. Matter of fact, may have sparked a challenge. It’s impossible for earthly souls to offer the best path for others. Furthermore, our great, grand, Father needs no help from earthlings. Family members ran me off during L & D. Baby daddy was there. In a state of confusion, someone I love unconditionally couldn’t be lovable toward me. Who’s trustworthy?
Can’t say I blame anyone for being troublesome. I was suffering through an emotional storm myself. The Lord listened to me, however. Yes, love our enemies. But, for god’s sake, don’t mingle with them. Who’s listening? Sorcery played a roll in that. Drug abuse was the source. My daughter and granddaughter played devilish games without realizing the consequences. Made numerous errors prior to maturing too.
I get PTSD sometimes from a former, violent, marriage. Mom and Aunt Louise talked me into that one. I blame myself because I didn’t have to listen. Young, pregnant, searching for answers in the human race, I ended up falling from grace. However, God’s grace spared us both. Alcohol addiction, herbals, etc. are linked to sorcery when they cause harm.
Recalling a conversation mom and I had about her Rx Zanax in 2014. A couple nights ago I had a dream staring Tom Petty and mom. Both wanted to confront me but I didn’t want to be. Mom was irritated in the dream. This is fair warning. Mr. Petty was chasing my grandson and me through an unfamiliar house. So I resorted to floating (swimming on air) across the ceiling to escape. As I was trying to rescue my grandson, Petty grabbed my ankle; I woke up. Just a dream; a dream that puts new perspective on straighten up and fly right.
Meanwhile, funds are hitting rock bottom. Overwhelming problems. No warning either, things fall apart. Repairs can wait no longer. Bedroom floor is bound to cave in without TLC. Heck, most days I’m so happy to be here, happy to be alive (Traveling Willburys, ’88, ’90). Happy to be anywhere after all. Simply staying busy playing, too busy to notice many flaws. The fear of striving and not gaining a way to help myself or someone I love is disheartening. So I’m energetic; mindful enough to maintain cheerfulness, gratitude, and hopeful grace. God knows people need joy and laughter.
Being broke is another fear I have. Poor people have always been exploited, hated, abused and misled. The thought of going back to relying on people for joy in life scares me. So let’s ponder sorcery, Not saying that I’d go there myself. But, I’ve seen evil in people since I was seven. It took time to see how wickedness can’t be undone.
Grateful that mom and I spent quality time and appreciate having beautiful people to lean on. I am blessed to have pleasant childhood memories. One thing I learned from her is that people with flawed character are not people to reckon with. It’s difficult to sleep. I appreciate life so much. Can’t imagine why anyone would give up on it.
I’ve been longing to finish my first quilt. Meanwhile, I’ve enjoyed a yoga socks project. I’m a tailor that believes that demonstrating kindness toward others may solve the problem of bitterness in the world. I don’t want to be a needy, deprived person.
I have a rash on my hands and sore fingers. The past week or two I’ve been recovering from an unconfirmed case of the flu. Now my body is swelling up from fluid retention.